whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
