He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
