I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dicks are not precious.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
