Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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