Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So squirting runs in the family.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
