I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
