How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
no, he came in my armpit
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
