We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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