haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
