In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
