Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
