Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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