there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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