Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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