hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
where am i from again
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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