Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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