Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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