someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
