i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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