I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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