Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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