i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
