i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
