I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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