Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
