I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
