her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
