Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
