Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
