I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
