I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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