we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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