Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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