I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
