I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
