dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
