im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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