Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
