i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
