yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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