I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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