Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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