Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
