hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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