im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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