He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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