I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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