youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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