omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
