Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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